Learning to Run

REAL part 2.                                                                                                                                       

By now I am sure you have heard of my sin.  It was vile, and I have no excuses.  Your pastor may have a copy of a letter I have sent our supporting churches. I have already asked for forgiveness from everyone involved, and I would ask it of you too.  My shame knows no end.  Most have forgiven me.  But forgiveness does not mean freedom from consequences.  And in this last missionary letter of my life I beg you to let me be REAL once more.

Let me open the door to a shattered soul.

You see, sin never starts big. Ever.  It cloaks itself in a million ways, disguising its true nature and intent until it is too late.  It hides in religious activity, even in prayer and Bible reading, and thrives in tiny concessions to the flesh that are easily overlooked.  Then it strikes and retreats, leaving the startled soul with the impression that it was but a momentary failure.  You are convinced that it will not, that it CANNOT happen again – but it does.  After a suitable time of repentance and mourning it arises again, and strikes again, this time claiming a little more space for itself in your heart.  And the cycle repeats in silence because we are afraid of the shame and humility of true, open, and perhaps public confession.

Do you know what happens after all those cycles?   Death.  The smell of it clings to you like a cloud as your relationship with God dies. Your family relationships die, your friends leave in frustration, and the gifts God gave you begin to fail from the hidden poison of unconfessed sin. Not sin unconfessed to God, because I (and probably you) confessed to God often.  Sin unconfessed to those who should be told.  Like my wife.  Perhaps like your pastor and church or children.  Confessed sin that stays hidden has a way of coming out again.  You probably have your own favorite variety of sin that is just biding its time, waiting to claim your future as well.  You probably think you can handle it alone.

You can’t.

If you could you would already have permanent victory.

So get help.  Get broken, get REAL with someone you trust, get totally transparent whatever the cost. 

Because the cost of not repenting is your life.  And your future.  And your wife.  And your kids.  And the hopes and dreams of a lifetime.  It will cost you all your past, as happy memories are revealed as illusions.  It might cause a church to split or a child to stop following God.  Because the hidden things ALWAYS come out, and the cost is ALWAYS enormous.

I’ve been paying for years.  In constant depression and suicidal thoughts.  In powerless service and witness. I paid in wasted time and effort. In fear that defies description – fear of discovery, fear of failing again, fear of destroying my family and church, fear that ate at me like a live thing in my belly 24/7.

I’m paying now.  In sorrow like I’ve never known before.  In tears day and night, in despair of the future, in pain of the past, in waking nightmares and horrific memories as an awakened conscience gets clean.  I’m paying in financial distress, in the loss of good friends, in watching others care for the church I love.  And it’s not just me paying.  My wife goes through hell on earth for my sins.  My children’s tears are in God’s bottle, and it’s a big one.  Be a fly on the wall and see the heartache of my parents, my mother-in-law, and all my relatives.  And that’s just people close to me.  There are thousands of people affected by this man’s sin.

Ecclesiastes 9:18 Wisdom is better than weapons of war: but one sinner destroyeth much good.

I will be paying for decades.  I wish you could see the dreams that I had for God, for Lakeside Baptist, for my family.  They’re ashes now.  Over 20 years of preparation gone and perhaps wasted.  A reputation built slowly gone in a night. Silence instead of laughter, sorrow instead of hope.  Loneliness instead of a full house, and the quiet pain of betrayal forever in my wife’s heart.  My friend, sin is cruel.  It does not matter the variety of the sin, it is cruel.

There is still hope for me somewhere because God is gracious. But the cost of sin is fierce.  Learn from my mistakes.  Decades of silent repentance did nothing for me.  A night of truly broken confession set me free.  Don’t wait. Let God break you with what He thinks of your sin, and then get totally clean. Get real…

I am truly sorry for the shame I have brought through my treacherous actions. It is unlikely that we will meet again.  But if we meet again, please be kind to my family for His sake.  Should you come to Cold Lake, you’ll probably find us still living beside the church, serving in whatever capacity is permitted.  We are not going to disappear quietly into the night. I am a sinner redeemed, and our lives are still His.

Thank you for your faithful prayers and support for us over these last twelve years.  It has been an honour to have served you and our Saviour.