(Written in 2021)
Long term recovery isn’t easy, and the last 24 months were brutal.
Serious depression, multiple calls to suicide prevention hotlines, therapy with a mental health counsellor for 4 months, a sex therapist for about 8 months, crazy rage, insane thoughts and actions, an emotional roller coaster that makes Mt. Everest look small – the list of troubles is immense.
Add some intense acting out, a brief separation from my wife, marriage counselling and COVID19.
Imagine the trauma my dear wife has to deal with . Sigh. But that’s for another day.
One of the many horrible and frightening effects of long term addiction is the withdrawal. Its not a one time thing.
This week has been a trial. There is so much good going on, and in the good times my flesh and the devil fight extra hard. I started hearing voices – not random, insane type stuff. But specific voices from my sinful past that are powerful beyond measure for me.
I used to listen to audio porn, because it was vastly more effective than visual stuff for me. And it scratched the itch that wanted to feel special. And during my last acting out period I spent much time listening to several voices that resonated with me. They spoke the words I wanted, the way I wanted, and they seemed to allow me to completely relax and lose myself in a place of safety, affirmation and pleasure.
Here’s the hook. I don’t want those women. Never did. I actually have never seen a picture most of them. But what I wanted was the FEELING their words produced.
This week I’m struggling. Because I hear their voices in my mind. I reject that path, don’t want that future, pray, etc. But the voices persist. Because they are attached to my long term memory. Yesterday I was shaking with need to go listen to them for a little bit – to lose myself from my reality. Because they promise me escape.
Escape from life, reality, pain.
Visual erotica is potent, but there is only so much a camera can do. Further, anything visual is by default anchored in reality. Audio suggestion is not. It is mostly fuel for your deepest fantasies, delivered directly to your brain.
That’s what all drugs do. They alter reality.
They just lie about how it is going to be altered.
Learning to Run 